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Oooh ooh ooh. I'm going out on a bit of a limb with this one. Do you guys trust me? Do you love me?

I occasionally make references to my "artistic temperament." This is a reference to the depressions I've gone through. I've wanted to make a significant post about this, as I know there are some beautiful people out there who can relate, but I've been waiting to be in a happy place, and I am for now so it's just a matter of taking the time.

To make a long story short: I slipped into the Bad Blues starting the end of December. Lots of typical triggers factored into the equation (extended sleep deprivation, some specific events that brought up pain from the past, etc. etc.) By the time our little group was down on Koh Phagnan Island, my brain chemistry seemed out of control. I felt like an absolute loser for being on a tropical beach with the most amazing people in the world and yet depressed as one of those squished snakes on the highway. I couldn't help but compare myself to them. They all seemed so... happy, and they had... normal(er) brain chemistry, and this thing called... self-esteem. At least, they seemed to have those things.

Fortunately, I'm wise enough to know that being surrounded by beautiful people who love me is a GOOD thing, and I started repeating that to myself, along with a list of other positive things. Before long I realized I had all the time in the world to dedicate myself to personal development. I put aside all my videos, website development projects, etc., and applied myself full-time to getting my head screwed on straight(er). It was a bit of an epic few months, and to sum them up: I think I've finally figured out the foundation of my spiritual practice :) (No, it's not poi.)

But more on that another time. A few weeks back, after everything started falling into place, I was going through some videos from Koh Phangan. I came across a video of myself playing fire at Guys Bar, and it was much better than I thought at the time. This helped me see just how warped my perceptions were at the time, and it got me thinking about how some of the most lovable people I know go through periods of the same kind of warped self-view. I know people who are like... wood stoves. Just being near them feels good. And yet these very people go through nasty periods where they think they're no good.

It also got me thinking about how one of the things that helped me pull out of my funk was a talk I had with one of the aforementioned amazing people, who told me that he too had gone through some periods of depression. This surprised me, because I assumed he was one of those happy people who'd always had lots of love and encouragement from family and friends, so it was somehow comforting to know he had been through some of the same feelings, and yet was now so shining and confident.

...and so, that's why I made this video. I'm hoping it can offer the same kind of encouragement. Maybe that's not even the right word. Maybe it's just friendship. It's me saying to you, "one day you'll look back and realize that you actually didn't suck at all." (There's probably a better way to word that.)

Only time will tell whether these things I tapped into run as deep as I hope they do. This is the too-long-a-story-to-tell-just-now bit. To sum it up: I finally realized that I can straighten my mind out just the way I can straighten my planes out, and that to straighten either out I need to practice. I'll write more about this at a later time, after I've run some more lab tests, so to speak. I'm not sure any of it will ever apply to anyone else but me... but you're at least as awesome so I'm sure you'll figure your way as well.

Oh, and the title is a reference to the Phoenix bird, who arises out of his own ashes.

(Music by MIA.)

Mwah,

-Nick